Real talk: I’ve made about $4,500 in the past 8 days, without leaving my house–camming and messaging people online, and to a small extent, selling content. This should make me happy. I wanted to diversify my income streams, particularly in a way that is scalable, and online content creation seemed like a common-sense way to do that. But honestly, it is eating my soul like a f***king cancer, and I’m seriously doubting if I have it in me to continue.
Every day, it’s: take pictures, edit pictures, make reels, post on IG, post on Twitter, post on Onlyfans, post on Fanfix, DM subscribers, DM followers, do a Livestream, make more content, respond to DMs, deal with men who objectify you, deal with men who feel entitled to you, deal with people who want to take from you, deal with men who want your time and attention for free, deal with the fact that your content isn’t selling, purchase the most ghetto micro-bikini you can find so you can prance around on camera and earn tips… It’s the complete opposite of the world I’m used to and the world I want to exist in. I tell myself, “Maybe you just haven’t found your people yet. It’s only day 8 of doing this. Maybe once the right people find you, the interactions will be more fulfilling and you’ll see better returns for showing up as the real you.” So I order a new micro-bikini and reassure myself that it’s only temporary.
There are other things I could put my energy into building professionally. I chose not to prioritize them because I wanted the “cushion” income first. My philosophy: get dependable revenue flowing, then focus your attention on the things you really want to be doing. It makes logical sense. I’m not sure I have the gumption.
I’ve been out of the full-service industry for over a year. I left for personal reasons, and I’m currently choosing not to come back for personal reasons. It seems like a dumb choice, given the current reality, but I’m in a place in my life where opening myself back up in that way doesn’t feel right. Part of me has really missed the intimate world and novel experiences accompanying full-service work. The people were great, the income was great, the freedom was great. I’ve had such a wonderful, fulfilling 13-year career as Andra, and I thought for certain I would be chomping at the bit to return if/when my life circumstances created the space for that, but the truth is that I don’t have it right now, and I’m not sure if I ever will.
Navigating this stuff is tricky. I’ve spent a long time advocating, “not all money is good money,” and I believe that to be true. I’ve spent a long time advocating, “only do the things that feed your soul,” and I mostly believe that to be true. But I also believe in the value of pushing through difficult times; nothing can “feed your soul” all the time. That creates very practical dilemmas for our choices, and subsequent challenges to our inner worlds. Who am I really if I do this thing that seems out of character? Does it change who I will become? What happens if I give up too early?
These are universal questions. Frankly, they’re questions I heard a lot of my clients ask. Incongruence is a tricky beast. Being authentic is an exercise in self-reflection and choice, and the meaning we assign to the choices we make. I’m not ready to make a new choice yet, so for now I sit in the incongruence and call it “patience,” “grit,” or “resilience,” and hopefully come out the other side with a valuable lesson…and maybe some decent “buffer” income.
